on Faith

From Mere Christianity by C. S. Lewis. (Book 3, Chapter 12-Faith.)

"I am trying to talk about Faith in the second sense, the higher sense. I said just now that the question of Faith in this sense arises after a man has tried his level best to practice the Christian virtues, and found that he fails, and seen that even if he could he would only be giving back to God what was already God's own. In other words, he discovers his bankruptcy...

Now we cannot...discover our failure to keep God's law except by trying our very hardest (and then failing). Unless we really try, whatever we say there will always be at the back of our minds the idea that if we try harder next time we shall succeed in being completely good. Thus, in one sense, the road back to God is a road of moral effort, of trying harder and harder. But in another sense it is not trying that is ever going to bring us home. All this trying leads up to the vital moment at which you turn to God and say, 'You must do this. I can't.' Do not, I implore you, start asking yourself, 'Have I reached that moment?' Do not sit down and start watching your own mind to see if it is coming along. That puts a man quite on the wrong track. When the most important things in our life happen we quite often do not know, at the moment, what is going on...

The difficulty is to reach the point of recognizing that all we have done and can do is nothing...Again, in a sense, you may say that no temptation is ever overcome until we stop trying to overcome it-throw up the sponge. But then you could not 'stop trying' in the right way and for the right reason until you had tried your very hardest. And, in yet another sense, handing everything over to Christ does not, of course, mean that you stop trying....

Though Christianity seems at the first to be all about morality, all about duties and rules and guilt and virtue, yet it leads you on, out of all that, into something beyond. One has a glimpse of a country where they do not talk of those things, except perhaps as a joke. Every one there is filled full with what we should call goodness as a mirror is filled with light. But they do not call it goodness. They do not call it anything. They are not thinking of it. They are too busy looking at the source from which it comes. But this is near the stage where the road passes over the rim of our world. No one's eyes can see very far beyond that: lots of people's eyes can see further than mine."

extreme introversion

As a very definite introvert, I know that I usually prefer small groups, one on one conversations, quiet environments, and sometimes even being alone. Those things are normal and comfortable for me.

Sometimes though-like this week-my introversion (in addition to other factors I'm sure) takes a very severe form and I get into moods where I really don't want to talk to people or even be around them. (with the exception of close friends and most family members). And it's times like these that I find myself actually considering things like joining the Benedictan monastery in Rome where they practice silence (though I suppose being a girl would make that hard) or simply hanging a large sign around my neck that says "Do not disturb-you may regret it."

I get this way on occasion for many different reasons. It seems like it's extra bad right now-and I'm not really sure why or what brought it on, and I have no idea how to shake it. It feels really strange...I don't think I've ever worked quite this hard to avoid people and get out of conversations-especially ones where the questions don't stop and the person is one that I don't really know that well at all.

It's horrible. I hate that I'm doing this...I don't want to be shutting people out, to be cold, rude, and unfriendly. I don't like that I'm so easily irritated, insensitive, edgy, and uncommunicative. But in some ways it feels easier. It feels safer. In a sense it probably is, though I know somewhere in my head that that doesn't make it the better option.

I guess it's just simply true that people who get burned tend to be more wary of hot surfaces. I just hope it gets better in time.

reminders

Today's sermon was really powerful-at least for me. I needed to hear it...because I needed these reminders desperately. I'm glad that these things are true-even when I don't always feel like they are, even when I forget to remember them.

-what we think doesn't define reality. can you imagine if that were actually the way reality worked? I don't like to think about a reality like that...even if in my own head it might be easier to grasp conceptually.

-feelings don't override facts-God's truth stands no matter what. another good reminder, especially in light of my new(er) tendency to base my thoughts and beliefs on how I'm feeling...

-when we come to Jesus he simply shows us his sufficiency. He doesn't point out our insufficiency. I wonder why it's still so hard to just come to him, to just trust that he will welcome me with open arms and hold onto me through everything.

-we don't have to wait until we've gotten everything straightened out and fixed to come to Jesus and begin trusting him.

-God works with our imperfections in his perfect timing to change us according to his good purpose. basically, he is sovereign and I am not, and he has everything under control-all the time. no matter how I feel or what I think.

Caught in the in-between

I gave in. I decided to start a blog. Maybe it's because I wanted something to keep me from being completely lame all summer, maybe I just wanted a place to not have to pretend that I've got it all figured out...

The title for this blog-and post, I guess-comes from a song I recently started listening to by Tenth Avenue North. It's called 'All the Pretty Things' and part of it really resonated with where I'm at emotionally and spiritually. The first verse and chorus are as follows:

'We are, we are, we're caught in the in between

of who we already are and who we're yet to be

And we're looking for love but finding we're still in need

It's only what we have lost will we be allowed to keep

And we're waiting but our eyes are wandering

To all this earth holds dear

Look at all the pretty things

That steal my heart away

I can feel I'm fading

Cause Lord, I love so many things

That keep me from your face

Come and save me"

Anyway. One of my new favorite songs. And definitely my new favorite band. Their newest album, The Light Meets the Dark, is well worth the 9.99 on iTunes.

On a slightly different note, the title also comes from the fact that as I grow and learn about life, I'm discovering more and more that I am caught in between so many different tensions and absurdities that are just part of being human...and for me it's a process to be okay with the realization that I may never figure out or resolve said tensions and absurdities.

I honestly don't know how this is going to turn out or what I'll even end up putting here...maybe musings about life as it happens, maybe reflections on various absurdities as I discover and deal with them, maybe random selections from the books I hope to read this summer, maybe glimpses into my heart and life that is still-thankfully-a work in progress.

So here goes nothing.